Holding Back Then Surrendering

These are words in a Keith Urban song called “Kiss the Girl.”

“It's that moment when
You start closing in.
First you're holding back
Then surrendering.”

They stand out to me because I’m writing about exactly this moment. The moment after we’ve denied ourselves and just before giving in. What happens to us: What do we see, hear, smell, taste, touch? What are we thinking when we finally give in to the holding back? And how sweet is the surrender? Is it sweeter the longer we hold back?

It’s an intense experience unequivocally. One we all want to repeat as often as we can, yet if we do, doesn’t the potency wear off? Does the holding back get shorter and the surrendering become less earth-shattering?

The space between holding back and surrendering is a place I want to spend some time. I want to learn all the nuances of this experience. I want to stay there long enough to describe its many facets: emotional, mental, physical and spiritual.

And what’s also remarkable is how hard it is to get there. All sorts of things get thrown in the way. Sometimes you only have one part of the equation; all holding back or all surrendering. Maybe that’s part of the delicacy of the affect? Maybe holding back then surrendering is not a place after all. Maybe it’s just a state of mind.