What to Wish For

"Don't wish it were easier, wish you were better. Don't wish for fewer problems, wish for more skills. Don't wish for less challenges, wish for more wisdom." Earl Shoaf

I'm Getting Too Old For This Shit

Or am I just getting started?

I have been through yet another major upheaval in my life. Again it is all my own doing based upon a host of choices I have made and once again as I find myself at the end of the tumult, I also find myself -- grateful.

I’m not grateful for the ugliness that passed. But I am grateful for the things I still have and the opportunities this event creates before me. I am eternally an optimist. I can not help this any more than I can help taking my next breath. It’s what gets me up every morning, in the dark, striving to improve, thinking nothing is ever really hopeless despite my apparent inability to think myself out what I’ve gotten into.

A sense of humor also goes a long way. And I know that no matter how dark or bleak it seems, a funny side will emerge and I will be doubled over laughing at mostly my own stupidity as soon as I’m done licking my wounds.

I’ve said before that I am my own best audience and consistently seek and keep my own counsel, but today, right now, when I need it the most, what I find the most comforting are my friends. And as I crave a shoulder to cry on, I have not one but many, and for that I am extremely grateful. If vulnerability had an older stronger-willed twin sister, I believe she would be called empathy.

I have been ridiculed pretty harshly as of late for my passion in social networking. I laughingly call it my make-believe world because it is not tangible, but that being said it is no less real than me sitting at my desk typing. And sometimes my make believe world is even more real to me that those who I can see and touch. I do not exactly know why this is, but suspect it’s because underneath the technology we’re all human, and as such, we have a natural inclination to give of ourselves. In the virtual world, all we really have to give is nothing more than a brief exchange of time and interest.

What I really desperately think we all seek is simple connectedness. I know I do as I allow the tears to stream down my cheeks, my breathing is ragged and I cringe at my own vulnerability. Intrinsically female I wanted to be; strong in my vulnerability. Yes, today I believe I reached that goal … all by myself …without being challenged by another. Oh wait. No. There was that very loud slap...last night. And no it wasn’t playful…but that ironically I enjoyed. See I just can’t keep the sun from shining.

I fell in love with this declaration: "I was rendered mute by my own overactive imagination seizing on an idea that demands its fullest attention." It's versatile and sexy all at the same time.