Too Much Trouble

We met unexpectedly.

I was looking for a little fun.

He was abrupt, practical and newly single.

Well when I say newly single I mean he had just broken up with his girlfriend of four years. He was still married to his wife.

That was ok. Cause I was still married as well.

He called himself an outdoorsman. He said the outdoors calmed him.

As for me, I love being outside, but as for the outdoors, well, there’s nature out there, and that seems scary to me.

Yet we clicked instantly via email. His forwardness and practicality amused me. So I teased him.

Men love that. They love being called on their shit.

But he had an easy laugh. And a casual way about him that I was instantly drawn to. Well that was until I asked him about respect. That’s when he hit me with “I not only command respect. I demand it. I’m in charge of $40 million in sales for a $100 million company that manufacturers parts for a host of industries.”

Now that’s HOT!

The authority with which he wrote that instantly captured my imagination. This is a man upon whom I can push and he will not fall back. He’s a man who will let me have my fits and not engage.

 I like that.

I like that so much in fact, I’ve been asking for it for years and after finding it online with men far far away, I finally found it in my own backyard. Could this be true?

We set a date for lunch. He let me pick the place but I get the feeling he’s equally adept at choosing. And it just got better from there.

We settled on Japanese.

I was early, but he was even earlier.

Again. I like that.

He had the very first booth and I spotted him instantly. 

I kissed him on the cheek.

He had a carafe of sake on the table already waiting with two cups.

Ok now. Wow. I think I’m in love.

And that was the first of many moments where I’d had that epiphany.

His name was Shannon. He was 49 and tall, 6’1,” which is actually a requirement of mine, and thin. I only date fit, active guys.

We were engaged in each other immediately. He found me animated and amusing. I found him cultured and quick.

Lunch flew by and we kissed at my car. He held the door. Need I say more.

Our next date was Mexican. I was late, but naturally he was already there. He had his glasses on for reading the menu and looked over them when I arrived. He stood, while I sat. But wait? What’s this? He licked the nacho chips so he could pour more salt on and licked it some more. Ok. That’s odd, but you know, it was also kind of endearing. We order the same thing. Eat half and leave the rice. Next time, we share.

I forget where we ate next. There has been an entire series of restaurants of all types, but after those two experiences, I knew I had to have more. And this time, he took complete control.

He booked a beautiful suite on the beach at a local luxury hotel. Talked the management into letting us stay for only one night. He already had a bottle of Chianti uncorked when we arrived.

The night was magical on so many levels, I don’t think I could do it justice to describe the fun we had, but I do know, after yet another amazing meal our sex turned into passion and I had him alone on top of me, giving him what has come to be known as “the look.” The one from The Lion King, where Nala wants Simba. Yeah that look that says, “I’m yours in every way you want me.”

There have been many more dates since that first one on the beach; each and every one special in its own way. His kisses light me on fire. His Popeye-like strong arms make me feel safe and his easy demeanor calms me like a mass at a Tibetan Monastery.

When I think of him I see inquisitive bright blue eyes, a sweet giggle that turns into a rolling easy laugh, the softest skin I’ve ever felt on a man and a genuineness that speaks right to my heart.

He can turn me on with a single sound and often does.

There’s a kindness within this man; a gentle strength that I find irresistible.

He’s done so many selfless things he claims are second nature to him that mean the world to me.

When I think of him, myriad thoughts run through my head and course throughout my body.

He makes me happy.

So mostly I smile.

We dated like that for an entire year until he became too busy for me.

But I was hooked.

I wanted him all the time.

But he traveled and I didn’t like being left.

The more he left the less I liked it.

I tried to make a game out of it. I’d ask him to bring me back trinkets from his trip and anxiously await seeing what he brought back. I asked him to keep a journal on his portage – 7 days of trekking with a canoe in the Canadian wilderness – where he was completely out of communication with me so I could share in his experience when he returned. He did all of this and more.

But it wasn’t enough.

I wanted more.

So I pushed and pushed and pushed him for it.

I pushed him so hard and so far he finally gave up and said whatever you are not getting is your problem. I can’t care anymore. This is all I can do.

And of course that wasn’t enough.

He used to say “I love you” often. Then one day he just stopped saying it. Does that mean he stopped loving me?

And yet I still didn’t stop. I didn’t stop loving him and I didn’t stop asking for more. I kept asking and he kept saying “I can’t.”

I finally had enough waiting.

We met after work and hugged hard.

I pushed again, gently.

He said I don’t see us having a future.

“You’re too much trouble.”

And four days after our uncelebrated year anniversary in the parking lot of the tri-rail station near where he works, we said goodbye.

It’s was one of the saddest days of my life.