I'm Getting Too Old For This Shit

Or am I just getting started?

I have been through yet another major upheaval in my life. Again it is all my own doing based upon a host of choices I have made and once again as I find myself at the end of the tumult, I also find myself -- grateful.

I’m not grateful for the ugliness that passed. But I am grateful for the things I still have and the opportunities this event creates before me. I am eternally an optimist. I can not help this any more than I can help taking my next breath. It’s what gets me up every morning, in the dark, striving to improve, thinking nothing is ever really hopeless despite my apparent inability to think myself out what I’ve gotten into.

A sense of humor also goes a long way. And I know that no matter how dark or bleak it seems, a funny side will emerge and I will be doubled over laughing at mostly my own stupidity as soon as I’m done licking my wounds.

I’ve said before that I am my own best audience and consistently seek and keep my own counsel, but today, right now, when I need it the most, what I find the most comforting are my friends. And as I crave a shoulder to cry on, I have not one but many, and for that I am extremely grateful. If vulnerability had an older stronger-willed twin sister, I believe she would be called empathy.

I have been ridiculed pretty harshly as of late for my passion in social networking. I laughingly call it my make-believe world because it is not tangible, but that being said it is no less real than me sitting at my desk typing. And sometimes my make believe world is even more real to me that those who I can see and touch. I do not exactly know why this is, but suspect it’s because underneath the technology we’re all human, and as such, we have a natural inclination to give of ourselves. In the virtual world, all we really have to give is nothing more than a brief exchange of time and interest.

What I really desperately think we all seek is simple connectedness. I know I do as I allow the tears to stream down my cheeks, my breathing is ragged and I cringe at my own vulnerability. Intrinsically female I wanted to be; strong in my vulnerability. Yes, today I believe I reached that goal … all by myself …without being challenged by another. Oh wait. No. There was that very loud slap...last night. And no it wasn’t playful…but that ironically I enjoyed. See I just can’t keep the sun from shining.

I fell in love with this declaration: "I was rendered mute by my own overactive imagination seizing on an idea that demands its fullest attention." It's versatile and sexy all at the same time.

Men show their character in nothing more clearly than by what they think laughable. -- Goethe

The best thing to give to your enemy is forgiveness; to an opponent, tolerance; to a friend, your heart; to your child, a good example; to a father, deference; to your mother, conduct that will make her proud of you; to yourself, respect; to all men, charity. Francis Maitland Balfour

The Times They Are A-Changin'

Change is in the air. I’m in transition. I can feel it. Maybe it’s the change from DST to EST. Maybe it’s the change from October to November, even though in the sunny south the seasons have yet to change. Maybe it’s because my book was just rejected after two agents at the same agency considered it seriously for months. Or maybe it’s simply because there’s no SNF – Sunday Night Football. Regardless, my life is in transition and that’s never a comfortable place for me to be.

Yes, living is all about change and if you don’t adapt you die. I know all that. I even embrace change. I call it growth. It’s just that I find the uncertainty of it all daunting. I AM the master of my domain, the captain of my ship and the sheriff in my hometown. That’s pretty well established. The issue is that I HAVE to take a next step…but which step should it be? To the left or the right? Forward or backward? Because I know that whatever move I make will affect my future. And the million-dollar question is which future do I want? This is critical because I have to make a move. And it’s not just about me. That’d be easy. I have to consider the other humans, one of whom is still so delicate. Selfishly I know what I want to do. Go for it 100 percent. That’s my nature.

And I also know that which I want, I will get. I always do. It’s not boastful. It’s simply because I will not quit until I do. And that is where my problem lies with transition.

Strength

"Strength is happiness. Strength is itself victory. Inweakness and cowardice there is no happiness. When you wage astruggle, you might win or you might lose. But regardless ofthe short-term outcome, the very fact of your continuing tostruggle is proof of your victory as a human being."-- Daisaku Ikeda

Show Me Everything and Tell Me How

I’ve been away from blogging for a while - a month to be precise - and I apologize profusely. However, I’ve been doing what I call percolating; processing what I’ve learned so I can turn it into a blog. So in reality I have been blogging. Just not posting.

Semantics aside, a lot has happened as of late. I grew my following and followers on Twitter to more than 2,000, finding and accepting people one tweet at a time. It’s been a very exciting and rewarding process. I’d go so far as to call it an adventure. I call it that because I have very eclectic taste. My followers/following run the gamut from cooks and chefs to authors, writers, editors and agents; Navy SEALs and other military men; musicians, business consultants, physicians, philosophers, restaurateurs and poets as well as those who tweet anonymously under an alias with a provocative name and even some with whom I tweet in Spanish.

Most recently, the latter two groups have taken up most of my time, I happily admit. Because with these people I have found amusement, excitement, sincerity, depth and, even dare I say out loud, a friendship or at the very least a kinship that I have come to cherish.

In my virtual world, I have in-depth conversations about very real issues with people who essentially are strangers yet willingly open themselves up to me to share real feelings. I am fascinated by this exchange because of its depth and simplicity. I’ve always said the Internet is both intimate and impersonal simultaneously and because of that, the ability to reach out and connect albeit anonymously is a huge draw.

But I don’t do anonymous. As my mother used to laughingly say “I am me.” I don’t know how to be anyone else. Nor do I want to. I’m fine with me, faults and all. And because I feel this way about me, I don’t want other people to be anything other than who they are. It’s probably why I follow people named loveboobs and lickme as well those who legitimately are who they say they are. I love learning about people. Who they are and what makes them tick. And through that process I become more human and discover more about me.

So far, it’s been purely a joyous experience and I don’t imagine that will change. Removing real world obstacles, such as looks and labels, has been very liberating. One of my friends with a VERY provocative name is really funny. Had I not been amused with his boldness to put that name out there, I’d never have known that and laughed with him. Had I not been curious about the guy behind the dark shades and cowboy hat with the ranting post, I’d never have met the profoundly deep and sensitive guy I talk to nearly every day. Had I not been openly sharing stuff about my crazy life and thrown in a little Spanish I would never have met the beautifully romantic soul I now follow in his language. Had I not been curious about guy asking me provocative questions, I'd never have met the man who I believe holds the key to my success in the future.

So all this brings me full circle to the title of this blog. “Show me everything and tell me how” are lyrics in the song “Strangers Like Me” by Phil Collins in the Disney Movie “Tarzan.” Lately these words have resonated with me because I do not only want to have these friends virtually. They are not imaginary friends that I’ve created. My books serve that function. They are real people and I thoroughly enjoy their company. I would love nothing more than to be face to face; one on one. Let’s get lunch or dinner. Enjoy a few happy hours. Come to my home. Hang out and be part of my life. Why? Because I want to know more. “Show me everything and tell me how.” I’m open. Ready and waiting.

And I mean what I say. We will meet. It's just a matter of time.