Too Much Trouble

We met unexpectedly.

I was looking for a little fun.

He was abrupt, practical and newly single.

Well when I say newly single I mean he had just broken up with his girlfriend of four years. He was still married to his wife.

That was ok. Cause I was still married as well.

He called himself an outdoorsman. He said the outdoors calmed him.

As for me, I love being outside, but as for the outdoors, well, there’s nature out there, and that seems scary to me.

Yet we clicked instantly via email. His forwardness and practicality amused me. So I teased him.

Men love that. They love being called on their shit.

But he had an easy laugh. And a casual way about him that I was instantly drawn to. Well that was until I asked him about respect. That’s when he hit me with “I not only command respect. I demand it. I’m in charge of $40 million in sales for a $100 million company that manufacturers parts for a host of industries.”

Now that’s HOT!

The authority with which he wrote that instantly captured my imagination. This is a man upon whom I can push and he will not fall back. He’s a man who will let me have my fits and not engage.

 I like that.

I like that so much in fact, I’ve been asking for it for years and after finding it online with men far far away, I finally found it in my own backyard. Could this be true?

We set a date for lunch. He let me pick the place but I get the feeling he’s equally adept at choosing. And it just got better from there.

We settled on Japanese.

I was early, but he was even earlier.

Again. I like that.

He had the very first booth and I spotted him instantly. 

I kissed him on the cheek.

He had a carafe of sake on the table already waiting with two cups.

Ok now. Wow. I think I’m in love.

And that was the first of many moments where I’d had that epiphany.

His name was Shannon. He was 49 and tall, 6’1,” which is actually a requirement of mine, and thin. I only date fit, active guys.

We were engaged in each other immediately. He found me animated and amusing. I found him cultured and quick.

Lunch flew by and we kissed at my car. He held the door. Need I say more.

Our next date was Mexican. I was late, but naturally he was already there. He had his glasses on for reading the menu and looked over them when I arrived. He stood, while I sat. But wait? What’s this? He licked the nacho chips so he could pour more salt on and licked it some more. Ok. That’s odd, but you know, it was also kind of endearing. We order the same thing. Eat half and leave the rice. Next time, we share.

I forget where we ate next. There has been an entire series of restaurants of all types, but after those two experiences, I knew I had to have more. And this time, he took complete control.

He booked a beautiful suite on the beach at a local luxury hotel. Talked the management into letting us stay for only one night. He already had a bottle of Chianti uncorked when we arrived.

The night was magical on so many levels, I don’t think I could do it justice to describe the fun we had, but I do know, after yet another amazing meal our sex turned into passion and I had him alone on top of me, giving him what has come to be known as “the look.” The one from The Lion King, where Nala wants Simba. Yeah that look that says, “I’m yours in every way you want me.”

There have been many more dates since that first one on the beach; each and every one special in its own way. His kisses light me on fire. His Popeye-like strong arms make me feel safe and his easy demeanor calms me like a mass at a Tibetan Monastery.

When I think of him I see inquisitive bright blue eyes, a sweet giggle that turns into a rolling easy laugh, the softest skin I’ve ever felt on a man and a genuineness that speaks right to my heart.

He can turn me on with a single sound and often does.

There’s a kindness within this man; a gentle strength that I find irresistible.

He’s done so many selfless things he claims are second nature to him that mean the world to me.

When I think of him, myriad thoughts run through my head and course throughout my body.

He makes me happy.

So mostly I smile.

We dated like that for an entire year until he became too busy for me.

But I was hooked.

I wanted him all the time.

But he traveled and I didn’t like being left.

The more he left the less I liked it.

I tried to make a game out of it. I’d ask him to bring me back trinkets from his trip and anxiously await seeing what he brought back. I asked him to keep a journal on his portage – 7 days of trekking with a canoe in the Canadian wilderness – where he was completely out of communication with me so I could share in his experience when he returned. He did all of this and more.

But it wasn’t enough.

I wanted more.

So I pushed and pushed and pushed him for it.

I pushed him so hard and so far he finally gave up and said whatever you are not getting is your problem. I can’t care anymore. This is all I can do.

And of course that wasn’t enough.

He used to say “I love you” often. Then one day he just stopped saying it. Does that mean he stopped loving me?

And yet I still didn’t stop. I didn’t stop loving him and I didn’t stop asking for more. I kept asking and he kept saying “I can’t.”

I finally had enough waiting.

We met after work and hugged hard.

I pushed again, gently.

He said I don’t see us having a future.

“You’re too much trouble.”

And four days after our uncelebrated year anniversary in the parking lot of the tri-rail station near where he works, we said goodbye.

It’s was one of the saddest days of my life.

I'm Back

Good Morning. I am back from a very long hiatus. I haven't been writing much, but lately I've been thinking I should. So here's the start of a very new effort to not only get back into writing, but also to get our radio show Extreme Writing Now back up and on the air Sunday nights at 6:30 p.m.

From Sex in The City

“Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free til they find someone just as wild to run with them.”

Our Deepest Fear by Marianne Williamson

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

For more info http://skdesigns.com/internet/articles/quotes/williamson/our_deepest_fear/

Minutes and Years

Benjamin Franklin said, "If we take care of the minutes, the years will take care of themselves." One minute.  It doesn't seem like much.  However, never underestimate the cumulative effect of each minute we live.

Let's suppose, for example, a minute is worth one penny.  You see a penny lying on the street but pass it by because it is hardly worth the effort of leaning over to pick it up.  But suppose you began to double that penny each day for a month.  At the end of a week, you would only have sixty-four pennies.  I know that's not much but at the end of a month you would have 536,870,912 pennies.  Translated into dollars, that's $5,868,709.12.

The value we place on each minute of every day will have a cumulative impact on the remainder of our lives. Glenn Van Ekeren

Itchy

I promised to write something every day. Today I am not only thoughtless, but itchy as Hurricane Irene bears down on the eastern United States. And I mean physically itchy. My skin itches and it’s so annoyingly distracting.

It’s Friday and I am ready for the weekend. I have a full day at work to get through however, and my boss is a powerhouse of energy. So the day is going to chock full of activity.

Guess I better get to it.

Finally ME Time

In my effort to write once a day for ten minutes, I have been frustrated that I can’t sit down at the same time of the day. However, it occurred to me through my work that the key to success is to be adaptable. So I am here instead of in my pjs in the dark before the dawn, fully dressed for work with the light streaming into my quiet house because everyone has been sent on their way.

This morning, running through my mind are a multitude of thoughts. There is a hurricane coming, thought to hit us earlier, that is now making her way up the East Coast. I wonder about all the people I know up there and how they are going to fare.

I am grateful. Always. I never forget to be grateful. But today, despite the hurricane not coming here, I am always most grateful that we all have our health. I have been dieting and exercising as of late. Yesterday, I stretched. I have not been very physically fit for a few weeks, and definitely slacked over the past few months since I have a job now out of the house. The stretching felt so good. And today as a result, I am a bit stiff, but it’s a good stiff. I can’t wait to do more.

I am also wondering about people I heard about recently and how human nature works. A woman who was a nurse or doctor’s assistant married the doctor who of course left his wife to do so. They have oodles of money, kids go to private schools, colleges of their choosing and now they are traveling this year. Globetrotting essentially. Israel, Europe, all over the U.S. and I hear the woman is still wanting. What could she possibly want you ask as I did naively? Better sex.

So I ask myself, and you? Is that the bottom line? Is having great sex the bottom line to happiness? I wonder.